Derek Jeter's life is a Disney movie, only less depressing

I’ll preface what I’m about to write by admitting that for the last several months I’ve been ripping Derek Jeter pretty mercilessly. First for his horrible second half in 2010, then for his agent referring to the Yankees contract negotiation strategy as “baffling” when they refused to simply give Jeter whatever he wanted fresh off the worst season of his career, and finally for being, frankly, horrible for the first half of this season.

(I’m 100 percent justified for all of that, by the way, despite sycophantic objections from the “Jeter is God” brigade).

That said, even I have to admit that the Yankee captain still has a way of reminding you how great he was, like yesterday’s incredible afternoon, possibly the best day anybody has ever had in the history of anything. And I mean that sincerely…

Think about it, yesterday morning Jeter woke up in his huge bed next to Minka Kelly under a blanket of $100 bills. Later in the morning, he arrived at Yankee Stadium where everyone said, “hey great to see ya, Captain, good luck out there today.”

The rest of the day went like this:

1st at bat - single, hit #2999
2nd at bat - home run, hit #3000, right at 2PM, by the way. Rousing ovation from the Yankee Stadium crowd, Jeter only the second player ever to record his 3000th hit with a home run. He probably floated around the bases. My reaction in my apartment was something like, “you have got to be fucking kidding me.”
3rd at bat - double
4th at bat - single
5th at bat - RBI single to drive in the game-winning run

That’s the kind of day that reminds you of Jeter, circa 1999. I miss that guy.

Afterwards, the YES Network dedicated about three hours of postgame coverage to Jeter’s 3000th hit. Jeter undoubtedly joined his family and friends for a dinner celebration that probably cost more than I make in a year. After a while, Dr. Charles and the others got tired and returned to their hotels, while Derek and Minka went to bed for (presumably) a wild romp that probably caused several minor seismic disturbances.

In other words, Jeter had a pretty good day, one of the best in a lifetime full of good days. Michael Kay has given Jeter’s bio roughly 1000 times in this season in the buildup to his 3000th hit, but I’ll hit on a few of the bullet points just to drive it home.

-Drafted by favorite team after spending his entire life saying he’d play shortstop for them
-Rookie of the Year and World Series title in first full season
-Four titles in first five years as a Yankee, including a World Series MVP award
-A list of sexual conquests featuring a Miss Universe, and “in her prime” versions of Mariah Carey, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johanssen, Jordana Brewster … the list goes on and on, right up to his current squeeze and future wife, Minka Kelly

Listen, people complain about the Hollywood ending to "The Natural", what would they say about a movie called “The Captain” if it were fictional instead of the reality of Jeter’s life? Roy Hobbs was shot AND poisoned, and had an illegitimate son he never knew about until his mid-30s, and all he really had to show for it professionally was a few months in the majors and one legendary home run. What’s the worst thing to ever happen to Jeter? Someone at a deli counter gave him the wrong sandwich?

It’s a cliché to say “you couldn’t even write a script like this” but in the case of Jeter’s entire life, nothing else can really be said.

Now comes the part where I pour cold water over this entire thing, because that’s exactly the kind of guy I am, and you absolutely love it.

There was a lot of speculation about the value of the ball that was Jeter’s 3000th hit. I saw estimates around $250,000, but in any case, it was worth a lot of money. Obviously, given Jeter’s lack of power it was incredibly unlikely that the ball would end up in the hands of a fan, I’d say it was even money that it would have been a classic Jeter bloop to right or one of his more recently patented hits - the slow roller between third and short that he beats out for an infield single.

Naturally, Jeter had to prove what an asshole I am for thinking that by ripping a 420-foot blast into the seats, and hands of 23-year-old Christian Lopez, a fat schlub who works for Verizon Wireless. Lopez was presumably caught up in the excitement of the moment when he decided to return the ball immediately to the Yankees without asking for anything in return, although the Yankees did give him a suite for the rest of this season, including the playoffs, which has a value somewhere in the neighborhood of $40,000.

Jeter made more posing for this picture
 than Lopez will make this decade.

That alone shows just how valuable the ball actually is, and how much of an idiot Lopez is for giving it away so quickly. I’ve heard several people say that it was the “classy” thing to do for a variety of reasons, all of which are naïve and pathetic nonsense, predicated on hero worship and shortsighted stupidity. Here are a couple of my favorites:

-”Some things are more important than money”  This is along the lines of the old “money can’t buy you happiness” chestnut. Which, while technically true, misses the larger point that being a miserable bastard is a hell of lot more palatable when your misery is caused by lousy rounds of golf on the world’s finest courses, followed by expensive cocktails and an endless string of sexual escapades with attractive (yet gold-digging) women.

Furthermore, while some things MAY be more important than money, none other than Jeter himself demonstrated otherwise when he was negotiating his latest contract, or his exclusive deal with Steiner Sports to sell a line of commemorative “DJ 3K” bats, shirts, hats and urinal cakes that went on sale about 30 seconds after his 3000th hit.

He’s cashing in on this whole deal, that’s for sure.

-”Jeter deserves the ball because he’s worked so hard to achieve 3000 hits” - I’d have to be the biggest asshole in the world to suggest that Jeter hasn’t worked hard and doesn’t deserve his success. I may actually BE the biggest asshole in the world and I still wouldn’t say that.

Still, his hard work has already been rewarded many times over. He’ll earn more than $250 million by the time his career is over, and that’s just his actually baseball salary. While I disagree with what he’s currently being paid, I certainly don’t begrudge him his right to earn every cent he can, which is equally applicable in this case.

Jeter absolutely deserved the “moment” of the 3000th hit. The ball, however, is not his, once it enters the stands.

Lopez clearly wasn’t prepared for the possibility of possessing Jeter’s 3000th hit, and given that he was sitting in section 236 he can be forgiven for that, since Jeter hadn’t homered at Yankee Stadium in nearly a year and very rarely pulls the ball in the first place.

Still, part of life is being prepared for any opportunity that presents itself, however remote the possibility.

A few years ago, I went to the game in which Alex Rodriguez hit his 500th home run. My seats were in left, prime HR territory. Before the game, I made a list of things I’d want in exchange for the ball, should it end up in my possession. Sadly that list remained in my pocket, though the ball did come within about 15 feet of where I was sitting.

Jeter’s 3000th hit was even more valuable than A-Rod’s 500th HR. My list would look something like this:

1) Two season tickets for life. I’m not even talking about great seats, something in the 300 level behind home plate would be fine. Current value: $8910 per season (below the IRS gift tax threshold, by the way)

2) A separate, one-time cash gift (from Jeter) of $12,999.99 (again, tax purposes). That’s pocket change for him.

3) A double-date with Jeter and Minka with her co-star in “The Roommate” Leighton Meester.

Her.

Now does any of that seem unreasonable? Everybody wins, especially Miss Meester.

Congrats, Captain. Starting now, I’m declaring a one month moratorium on me ripping you for weakly grounding out to second all the time.